2020 a New Year with out you.

It is the fourth Christmas and New Year with out Luke, not only that, it’s a new decade without him here to enter it with us. I wonder if I will still be around at the beginning of a second decade (2030) without him? It is a possibility.

It is six Christmas ago, 2014 since we celebrated a happy and complete family Christmas together.

Christmas 2014

Even Luke’s last Christmas, 2015 was one of those that sometimes happens in all families, when people were not seeing eye to eye. It was upsetting for everyone. Of course since Luke died, none of us have faired well at Christmas but have made the very best of it that we could.

My family has had a trying year to say the very least. Changing family dynamics for some, changing jobs/lifestyles for others. Retirement and certainly a new direction for me, using my experience of being bereaved by suicide, for good – I hope. All of that has taken it’s toll on my mental well being. That said, this Advent, I had weirdly felt different. I’d had a real feeling of looking forward to Christmas and the coming new year/decade. As if there was a positive uplifting of our spirits.

It seemed at first I was not mistaken, Christmas Eve and the most part of Christmas Day was the best it has been since 2014. Celebrating Christ’s birth in the first Mass of Christmas on Christmas Eve was awesome and sharing the remainder of the evening was a reminder of how it used to be. Christmas Day continued the same way. There were momemts of course when thoughts of Luke’s absence became overwhelming however, it didn’t mar the day as we toasted him with Jack Daniels and coke. We enjoyed our feast as we all do on Christmas Day and lazily watched the festive television programmes.

It was a bit of a shock how the atmosphere so changed by the time Boxing Day arrived…..more people were missing and one didn’t really want to be there!

I’ve been here before.

I have not always enjoyed the secular side of Christmas. As an only child all the fun and games in which everyone else seemed to participate in big familes, just passed me by. I often found it a very lonely time, particularly as my Mar worked in a care home and more often than not had to work part of Christmas Day. Dad and I just muddled along until she was back with us. When my dad died the year I was fifteen, there were then just the two of us…well that was fun.

That awful feeling of being on the outside while everyone else was enjoying a happy time had returned.

Keeping all the balls in the air, diving here, there and everywhere with as much support to the rest of my family as I can offer over the last few years and particularly with the further trials during the last few months, has finally got the better of me. I’ve now run out of words, not something I am prone to do as those who know me well would agree. What I mean by that ìs, I seem not to want to talk. I have no inclination to attempt a remedy at the moment. My resilience has taken a nose dive and I am finding I can only have the energy to look after my own well being.

All I can say is…that positive uplifting of spirits I was talking about? It has uplifted itself and buggered off.

So 2020 will have to jog on until I’m ready.

One thought on “2020 a New Year with out you.

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